One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
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people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Same pineapple, same
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this