Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
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Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.