In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
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“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”