Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
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My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son鈥檚 train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My son鈥檚 blood type is parmesan.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it鈥檚 a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I鈥檓 inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 馃様
if you鈥檙e out and you see a heart attacking someone you鈥檙e allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
when you鈥檙e a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Fighting on twitter be like 馃ぃ
Extremely suspicious that there鈥檚 no information about brains that didn鈥檛 come from a brain
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it鈥檚 the kids.