My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis š
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My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Itās important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you donāt go out
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Bruce Banner: Please donāt make me angry. Iām begging you. Todayāsā
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
itās called āno YOU were supposed to pay the electric billā
super glad this box of pasta says āstore in a cool dry placeā because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I didnāt read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I canāt put them down.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.