My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
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AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.