You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
You Might Also Like
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Match dot com, but for socks.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product