The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
mariah carrie
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin