One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
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love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?