If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
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Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
*Seductively hides in the woods