[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
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“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons