a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
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I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Stop sending me this shit.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.