“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
taking June’s advice to heart
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
being a writer on Twitter:
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?