Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
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My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this