“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
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Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Coffee for people with no kids
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
But is it really??