So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
If I ignore life will it go away?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.