If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
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If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Stop being racist to kettles.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.