SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
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The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.