Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
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Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢