me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
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Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Always…
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.