People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
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Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.