FRED: right
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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
President The Rock Obama
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.