Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
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who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Tony Hawk, age 6
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Here’s a meme
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.