At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Spa day..😅
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”