If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
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With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.