A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
You Might Also Like
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭