[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
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You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.