I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
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When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?