Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
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Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Not today.. 😂
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
finally
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️