acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
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This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT