What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
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My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur