yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
You Might Also Like
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
My current situation
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
TEETH IS INNOCENT