when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
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ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.