What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
this is literally a CIA plant
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.