I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
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The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.