Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
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BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.