Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
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Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.