I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
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Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.