[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
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One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.