how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.