My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
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[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Lmao the reply
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
happy friday
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t