I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.