All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
it must be school picture day
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
okay run it by me one more time
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious