Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
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If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy