it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
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My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.