I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
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[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Eat…
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.