*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
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My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.