boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
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Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
That’s easy for you to say
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.