I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
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*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Finally, an explanation.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.