Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
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archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.